Sometimes I will be thinking about things, with the normal facts running across my brain. Then all of a sudden The Fact will appear: Lev is dead. It dwarves everything else, it makes all other facts trivial and irrelevant. It is so big that I don't know where to put it. I have to stop and give it the attention it deserves.
I know at some level that I have not fully acknowledged The Fact yet. Yet every once in a while, in a moment of clarity, I truly understand what has happened, and it devastates me. But before that moment of enlightenment can fully manifest itself, my brain shuts down, to protect itself from the naked horror. It is frustrating, since I want to know the truth, at any cost. Perhaps one day I can get there. In the meantime all I can do is think about Lev and allow myself to miss him terribly.
