It is sad that Jaal left, yet so completely different.
He is gone, but I texted him and he responded.
He is gone, but I can imagine where he is and what he's doing.
I can plan the weekends we will go and visit.
I can clearly imagine a future with Jaal.
Yet, I know nothing is certain in this world. I can only hope for a future without more loss.
Home is a place we set up for the kids. It feels wrong to be here without them.
Food is something we ate with the kids. Eggs. Cottage Cheese. Jam. Butter. Pasta. Fruit. All with too many connections to either Jaal or Lev. All with sadness now. I think we'll just eat salad, eggplant, green beans, and asian foods that Jaal and Lev didn't really like.
What will Tony and I do without someone here to stop us from being so sad? With the freedom to truly express our emotions, without holding it together for anyone, it will be different. And not in a good way. I fear the dark emotions, and I know I'm supposed to "mindfully" accept them. We'll see how that goes...
It's just a bit much to deal with, the loss of Jaal in our lives as he becomes an adult, and then the much, much larger loss of Lev forever.
So much love and no where to put it.
