Tony made the astute observation today at lunch that caffeine is the only thing that alleviates the grief a bit. Wine intensifies it.
We had coffee today. I was buzzed and effective at work this morning. I got a lot done, And I felt like the big and little decisions I was making actually made a difference. Checking in with teachers and letting them know when I noticed them doing something excellent, checking in with kids that got in trouble a lot last year, but haven't this year, giving the approval to buy more recess balls, correctly editing the schedule to adapt to the upcoming changes. It all went well. Then I came home at one and ate lunch and then took an hour to kind of come off the buzz of work and my one cup of coffee. Then the sadness sets back in.
Usually I am in touch with the grief, just a bit sad all the time, sometimes more and less intense, and sometimes debilitating. But then there are the times when I am removed from it, only to be swiftly and completely returned to my current reality. I have to tell myself that Lev really isn't coming back. It seems too hard to believe. A part of me is still waiting. I can't bare to go to his room and acknowledge that we are not saving it for him. I feel like he is away at camp but will be back soon. How can he really have died. So suddenly and completely. It is so wrong.
Twinkie-eating, soda-drinking kids survive. I didn't know his body was so weak. I wish we had known. then we could have done something. I still don't understand it. I don't want to accept it.
